The story started with a friend’s hens’ night. All these girls bundled up with naughty thoughts in place, drinking champagne from straws with suggestive shapes, talking about honeymoon and a video were not many clothes were showing…

One of my friends came to me and in quiet words and loud laughs told me about this new toy she just got… THE RABBIT… uuuhhhh apparently something really interesting. The advertisement was powerful and got me salivating for one. Especially because I had just wrapped up a relationship with a bastard of a boyfriend and was in need of some love. A toy sounded like a nice compensation.

The only issue was my inexperience in acquiring something like that.

On the following week I got off the train and thought to myself: today is the day I’ll make this happen. So I walked purposefully to the adult shop that I saw on my way in. Had to go over a litany in my mind: I’m a 30 years old woman, independent, strong, empowered, I can and will have the strength to go into an adult shop any time I want. I deserve my pleasure, I am cool, I am confident… and so on. My heart was playing the drums on my chest, I had a dry mouth and felt like a teenager waiting for her first kiss.

I was also worried someone saw me going into the store… but honestly what if someone did! So what??? Or that is what I was also telling myself. My convincing powers were not that strong by the shaking of my hands, I just kept hoping I didn’t start drooling.

I was in a place far, far away from home and yet I felt like all eyes were on my back with my ducked head. But I persisted over my own ghosts and righteous voices. Part of me really wanted to go home.

But the other part was already drooling for the toys… plural, after all if I was going in I should come out fully happy wouldn’t you agree?

I mustered all my strength, my determination, my will power and climbed the stairs through the little hidden door to a new world. I felt like a kid in a candy store! So many options, colours, sizes, toys of all types. I was trying to be inconspicuous but there was just me at the store and the salesman saw me straight away.

Would it be too much to ask for a saleswoman? Did it really have to be a man?

Well I was there and could breathe better just because I was out of the street and had won the argument between the old-lady-proper-me and the new-funky-liberated-me, me. Meaning I had come to the store as planned.

I found myself a nice little corner out of the direct view of the salesman and started my self-instruction in options.

I was one of those women married for a long time that hadn’t seen many different of sizes and shapes of instruments so the abundance of different issues in display was extremely interesting. Some things I saw scared the hell out of me… what was that? A hand, a whole hand?

My nice corner was full of the battery powered options and I was slowly going through all the normal sized options when I heard someone approaching.

“Gosh! How dreadful!” I thought to myself. But there comes the salesman:

‘Can I help you with anything?’

‘No… I’m ok. What was I supposed to say? That I was just having a look? To my complete mortification the man was set in helping me.’

‘I can show you how they work. I can put the batteries on so you can check. Said the helpful man.’

‘No thanks, I am ok. Appalled with the idea of seeing the things buzzing on a strange man’s hand. Maybe he can show me where I can find a hole in the floor for me to put my head on.’

‘Girls like this one.’

He showed me one with a thingy attached to the side, my mind went crazy. How was I supposed to tell the man that I didn’t want that one? The Bastard (the foretold discarded boyfriend) had opened me for some new possibilities and I was looking for a toy that I could use and didn’t leave… much material out when in use… this way the new boyfriend I was planning on getting soon could use the free… plug… with himself, understand? If I got one of the fanciful ones I wouldn’t be able to use it when I got the new boyfriend. Therefore I didn’t want any of the things with attachments; I wanted the plainer one, normal size, normal shape…

‘How about this one? It’s too big isn’t it?’

At this point I was hoping for a cataclysm, a blackout, anything that would let me run and hide from the nice man. Even without my answer he went on:

‘This one is too small hum?’

I felt like saying: “I’m not buying sneakers!” Instead I said:

‘You are making me uncomfortable…’

But he insisted:

‘And how about this, it has a very good vibe…’

At this point I sent him such a pitiful imploring look that he finally went back to his reception leaving me to breathe better and choose my product alone. I liked an aqua-green one but it had a face… I couldn’t, it felt wrong. Ended up with one that was exactly what I wanted, something yellow and “bananish”… It was on my way out that I saw it:  THE RABBIT!

Got the shivers when I remembered the tales my friend spun in the party… so I bought it. Actually it was Easter and I decided to buy 3. How bold did I feel then! I bought one for me and two for friends that were at that party also and went home very happy.

On my way home I stopped at my friends’ places to give them my Easter presents. Then, as soon as I got home, like a little kid I decided to play with my new toys. Although very happy with the yellow one the bunny disappointed me thoroughly. I called my friend to tell her out for false advertisement.

‘What? How is this thing you bought?’

‘Jellyish, with a ring to put… well the equipment through it if you want, you put batteries in it and turn it on to work… It is nice but nothing like you told me!’

‘Girl! You’ve got the wrong one!’

‘NOOOOOOOOOO!’

So she messaged me a picture of the real one.

I didn’t have the time to go after it for a few weeks and was really surprised to get the message from one of the two friends that got the wrong rabbit as a gift from me:

‘I FOUND THE REAL RABBIT! Will get you one.’Indeed it was really different, when I finally got it in my hands… and other parts, it was a new experience indeed. The thing has two parts, one for the batteries and the bunny that is really powerful. I was happy in my ignorance. But that was not the end of the story. The friend that gave me the real rabbit called me the other day:

‘There is another one. ‘

‘Another one?’

‘Yes.’

‘How do you know? Is it better?’

‘It comes from a safe source of information. I was in a hotel for an event when the lift broke. Me and just another woman inside. We stayed there for three hours… but you know? It was the funniest thing. The girl said she was a masseuse… but confessed the kind of massage she does one hour after we started talking. Let’s say she is a Savvy woman. It was my chance to ask her all the things I always felt like asking and she ended up telling me about this other rabbit. It’s the one from the TV show and apparently it does everything!’

People are greedy animals really, the more you have the more you want. By now it is getting hard to find a secure place to keep my toys, when the new rabbit arrives I’ll have to upgrade my hiding place to fit the yellow thing and 3 rabbitsses! And this from someone that couldn’t even go into an adult store without blushing!

116 Orble Likes