I have been unfaithful. Recently though, I have slept with a married man. He gave me “the talk”, “bla bla bla, marriage is unwell, bla bla, no sex, bla bla, don’t want to leave the kids, bla bla bla”. It doesn’t make it right and I’m not sure “the talk” is accurate or even true. I did my best to resist. I didn’t, and I didn’t fool myself either. He was spinning the wheel to seduce me but I could see through it; it was a conscious decision to sin.

And what a Sin. What undid my resolve wasn’t the thrill of the prohibition, the promise of amazing sex, the desire or the compassion for a man who was horny enough to fuck a wall if there was a hole in it. What broke me down was the connection, how much we had talked all night, that he understood my language of believing and that he felt my sincerity and broke down his fake promises. Really deep down what I saw was the unique opportunity of living a whole relationship in one night.

And then he kissed me. It had been so long since I felt that wonder, like submerging in a bath of sparkling water. That thrill that touches all the skin surface. Mixed with the smell, the scent of heat, like animals… When you know you will have a one night stand you allow yourself to new limits sexually, you don’t have to hide, you don’t have to pretend. This was a step further than that, it was the emotional one night stand, because there is no possibility of this going any further, you can allow your heart to take you where your sex want to go.

It means you can fuck and fall in love all in one night. That is what I did, like my silly heart can do, I took his smell to memory, his dick to my mouth and his pleasure to my core. I let him suck me as much as he wanted for as long as he felt like. My heart got permission to like and love everything. It broke when I didn’t answer his contacts the following days when I broke off and apart. What made me strong then was how much I fell for him during that one night. I have been through a separation before, I did not want to go through his, if it was even possible that it would happen.

But I couldn’t stop myself from wishing he was single, but then, would I have allowed so much, so soon, so intensely?

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